I thought I had figured out my life by the time I was 8 years old. My life plan was as follows:
- Make good grades
- Get into a great college
- Go to med school
- Get married and have kids after med school
Simple enough, right? I did get good grades, get scholarships from a variety of colleges, and then, before I even realized it, I started settling. I didn’t attend the school I wanted because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to pay for tuition. I met a guy in college and remained in a controlling and unhealthy relationship because I was afraid of being alone. I didn’t study much because I was afraid if I didn’t party with everyone else that I would be a social outcast (similar to my high school experience). All this fear led to disaster. And I ended up in a very dark place and I felt so alone for a long time.
Then, I met my husband, Oscar.
Now, before you think, “Oh jeez, another proclamation of a knight in shining armor!”, it really wasn’t like that at all! I started dating after I finally ended my unhealthy relationship and each guy was either uncommitted or it was “It’s me, not you” blah blah blah. So I had decided to just date guys, not expect any commitment, and just have fun (insert wink!). Then Oscar came along and we had did just that! We had fun! It was easy to be myself with him. He worked hard and he admired my goal to become a doctor and all the hard work that was required (read: all nighters and constant schoolwork). And then he asked me to be his girlfriend, then he told me he loved me, then we got engaged, got married, and had our wonderful little boy, Dominic (condensed version, of course!).
Then, my fears kicked in again.
I don’t have my college degree, I don’t know what career path to take, I want to be there for my children but also have a successful career, I want to be a great wife to Oscar, and there is no way I can do it all!
To be brutally honest, I feel that I have failed at life.
I’m not the successful doctor I thought I would be by now and I don’t even have my college degree. And I know where it all went wrong. But what I thought was my life going wrong, was God making it right. And here I am today a truly blessed woman.
I never thought I would be a stay at home mom. NEVER! As a matter of fact, I thought that was weak. Why not work, raise your children, and run a household?! I could do that. But that’s not what I want. I want to raise Dominic (and any future kiddos!), I want to be able to spend time with my husband, and I want focus on our lives!
I forgot to tell you, I wanted to be a writer before I wanted to be a doctor. I didn’t pursue that for fear that I wouldn’t be able to make a career of it. But, here I am writing, and it doesn’t matter that it’s not a career.
Because, I’m done with the fear and I will pursue my dreams, support my husband’s dreams, and support my children’s dreams with everything I have in me!
I love being a wife, I love being a mom, and I am blessed to be me!
So, I’m working on forgetting the past, forgiving myself (and others), and being grateful for where I am now.
Because fear of failure only leads to unfulfilled dreams.